urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars Thoughts CARISSA 2009-12-10T19:12:44Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:131055 2009-12-10T19:12:44Z 2009-12-10T19:12:44Z It's unfortunate that I believed andy would be coming to get me while I was shrooming. I need to remember what I did and that we are not together.. and probably won't ever be again. I need to stop depending on other people to create my sense of identity. I have no idea who I am or what I'm alive for. I feel like an empty, empty, empty soul wandering urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:130682 2009-12-06T05:57:55Z 2009-12-06T05:57:55Z I need to get it together.<br />walking down the street crying because my sister isn't coming over on the weekends isn't really acceptable...<br />I'm just feeling lonely and need to come out of my shell.<br />I'm just afraid of people urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:130509 2009-11-28T17:32:18Z 2009-11-28T17:32:18Z must fight off depression urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:130235 2009-11-12T18:45:06Z 2009-11-12T18:45:06Z I really wish I didn't make so many bad choices this year. I threw away the best relationship I've ever had. Spent way too much on drugs...... umm yeah just things that a loser does. And in those two years we were together I totally depended on him for my social needs which made it so I don't have very many friends now that we are not together. stupid. oh well. Life will get better if I just make some good choices urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:129955 2009-07-02T19:13:36Z 2009-07-02T19:13:36Z Headin to Lapine for this fine holiday weekend. <br />Can't fuckin wait to chill there.<br />Wish my whole life was a party.<br />Who says it can't be? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:129570 2009-06-11T03:41:49Z 2009-06-11T03:41:49Z Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle.<br />Say the following questions aloud, and press play.<br />Use the song title as the answer to the question.<br />NO CHEATING.<br /><br />How does the world see me?:<br />rebel rebel- david bowie<br /><br />Will I have a happy life?:<br />true to yourself- jon brion<br /><br />What do my friends really think of me?:<br />heartburnwaltz- Vince Guaraldi Trio<br /><br />Do people secretly lust after me?:<br />Church Key- The Gonzos<br /><br />How can I make myself happy?<br />Tahitian Moon- Porno for Pyros<br /><br />What should I do with my life?:<br />Burritos- Sublime<br /><br />What is some good advice for me?:<br />Chocolate River- The Seeds<br /><br />How will I be remembered?:<br />The Chalet Lines- belle and sebastian<br /><br /><br />What is my signature dancing song?:<br />From a Buick 6- Bob Dylan<br /><br />What do I think my current theme song is?:<br />The Christmas Song- The Ventures<br /><br />What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:<br />Tales of a scorched earth- Smashing Pumpkins<br /><br />What song will play at my funeral?:<br />You're all I've got tonight- the cars<br /><br />What type of men/women do you like?:<br />Dark in my Heart- Lee Hazlewood<br /><br />What is my day going to be like?:<br />I fought the law- the clash<br /><br />What song stirs up memories?<br />Onie- Electric Prunes<br /><br />How is your life going right now?<br />Black Water- Doobie brothers<br /><br />What song will definitely be played at your wedding?<br />Apache- Jorgen Ingmann & his guitar<br /><br />Whats your breakup anthem?<br />Down by the Sea- Men at work<br /><br />What do you want the world to know about you?<br />The King is in the Counting House- Electric Prunes<br /><br />Whats your outlook on life?<br />Waiting for the moon to rise- Belle and Sebastian<br /><br />What song would you make all of your friends listen to?<br />It's Just too much- Velvet Underground<br /><br />If someone made a movie about your life what would it be called?<br />Talk to you- Small Faces<br /><br />What song should have been playing when you were born?<br />Gust of...- the album leaf<br /><br />What is the person that cares about you the most thinking right now?<br />Milk- CocoRosie<br /><br />What's your break out song?<br />Doctor Robert- the beatles<br /><br />What are you craving?<br />Living Proof- Cat Power<br /><br />What are you going to do now?<br />Cybele's Reverie- Stereolab urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:129395 2009-05-15T07:41:11Z 2009-05-15T07:41:11Z I don't know.<br />I'm either too happy or too sad.<br />too quiet or too talkative.<br />will anyone be happy with who I am? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:129117 2009-02-27T03:49:10Z 2009-02-27T03:51:29Z recerceda 1plus 2 im tired but am excited to have a sunday off. this term flew by. I'm excited to get on with life. I wonder if I'll ever graduate from college or if ill just give up. I don't want to, but you know. It's only a few more years, right? and a hell of a lot of money I don't have. Nobody has extra money. let's face it... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:128937 2008-12-19T02:13:05Z 2008-12-19T02:13:05Z I really don't know what to do. I haven't been allowed to see my sister alone since like may. My step dad and mom said before that it was because I needed to show them that I respected them before I could hang out with her alone. It makes no sense. Now they say I have to discuss some things with them before I can see her. I asked my mom what it was about because Scott is not available for this discussion tonight and she said it was mostly about problems between Scott and I. I told her that Scott and my relationship has NOTHING to do with Kendra and I and that this made no sense. Plus I've barely talked to that stupid piece of shit in like years so what the hell does he need out of me. I don't fucking care about our relationship and frankly don't want one at all. I hate that piece of shit's guts bc he fucking ruined my life. He started by cheating with my mom while she was married to my dad. Then proceeded to take my mom to court for custody of my half brother which I love like my full-blood brother. But Scott is his father. And he was a complete ass to my mom during that time. Then he started dating my mom after he divorced his ex wife. I hated him at that point obviously, and still do. Now he brainwashes my mom into trying to control my relationship with my sister and brother. They are like my best friends because let's face it, I'm terrible at making friends and am afraid of people. It takes a long time for me to trust people and feel comfortable around them because I have social anxiety disorder and need fucking medication to just function around people. God I wish Scott would die. and I don't give a shit if you think that's messed up. You would hate the bastard too if you had to live with him for any amount of time. He talks down to everyone and thinks he is god's gift to the earth. He hates anyone who is different than him, meaning just about everyone. And is an ass to my boyfriend who I have been with for almost two years now. It's not like he's a shitty boyfriend. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I FUCKING HATE THE GUY. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:128565 2008-09-18T02:03:03Z 2008-09-18T02:03:03Z I do not think my mother will ever accept me. I have basically given up on that now. The way I live is not wrong. Keeping my sister from me is definitely wrong. What mother does that? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:128289 2007-07-17T07:58:29Z 2007-07-17T07:58:29Z life is crazy. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:128002 2007-07-01T07:48:30Z 2007-07-01T07:48:30Z Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle.<br />Say the following questions aloud, and press play.<br />Use the song title as the answer to the question.<br />NO CHEATING.<br /><br />How does the world see me?:<br />give peace a chance- John Lennon<br /><br />Will I have a happy life?:<br />Peppermint Twist (Part 1)- Joey Dee<br /><br />What do my friends really think of me?:<br />Act of the Apostle II- Belle and Sebastian<br /><br />Do people secretly lust after me?:<br />Ticket to Ride- The Beatles<br /><br />How can I make myself happy?<br />Tekno Love Song- CocoRosie<br /><br />What should I do with my life?:<br />Exodus- Bob Marley<br /><br />What is some good advice for me?:<br />Alive and Well and Living In- Jethro Tull<br /><br />How will I be remembered?:<br />Tomorrow Comes Today- Gorillaz<br /><br /><br />What is my signature dancing song?:<br />Wave of Mutilation- Pixies<br /><br />What do I think my current theme song is?:<br />Shape of My Heart- Backstreet Boys<br /><br />What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:<br />Flesh and Blood- Johnny Cash<br /><br />What song will play at my funeral?:<br />Wrapped Up in Books- Belle and Sebastian<br /><br />What type of men/women do you like?:<br />Sittin' on my Sofa- The Kinks<br /><br />What is my day going to be like?:<br />Charlie's Paper Run- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Soundtrack<br /><br />What song stirs up memories?<br />Judy is a Punk- The Ramones<br /><br />How is your life going right now?<br />Dedicated to the one I love- Mamas and the Papas<br /><br />What song will definitely be played at your wedding?<br />Little Latin Lupu- The Kingsmen<br /><br />Whats your breakup anthem?<br />Beautiful Boy- John Lennon<br /><br />What do you want the world to know about you?<br />Look What You've Done- Smokestack Lightnin'<br /><br />Whats your outlook on life?<br />Le Premier Bonheur Du Jour- Os Mutantes<br /><br />What song would you make all of your friends listen to?<br />Paperback Writer- The Beatles<br /><br />If someone made a movie about your life what would it be called?<br />Whip It- Devo<br /><br />What song should have been playing when you were born?<br />California Sun- The Rivieras <br /><br />What is the person that cares about you the most thinking right now?<br />Temperature- Sean Paul<br /><br />What's your break out song?<br />Cathy's Clown- Everly Brothers<br /><br />What are you craving?<br />White Silver Sands- Bill Black's Combo<br /><br />What are you going to do now?<br />Find Myself- Eric Clapton urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:127850 2007-06-22T17:58:01Z 2007-06-22T17:58:01Z I was thinking that summer would be an easy and enjoyable time for me, and hopefully it will be. But I can't help thinking that something will go wrong soon.<br />I had a dream last night that didn't make much sense.<br />I was having trouble using a laptop that was in my hands at some sort of school when I completely ripped apart the screen. I don't know how that would be possible in real life, but in my dream it was. I was struggling with something and I stayed behind in a classroom after he had walked away. And I lost him.<br />Summer makes me feel apathetic and lethargic. I hope that I can find a new job. I hope that everything goes well. I hope that I don't get left alone. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:127720 2007-06-05T21:24:47Z 2007-06-05T21:24:47Z This school year has been pretty crazy.<br />But I really did enjoy it. I enjoyed experiencing new things and learning a lot. Even if not all of the learning was done inside the classroom. I am happy for the way things are going in my life right now and I think no matter what happens after this I can be happy. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:127364 2007-04-19T22:31:08Z 2007-04-19T22:31:08Z I want to feel close to something. <br />I want to be able to trust someone.<br />I want to stop being afraid of everyone and everything around me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:127144 2007-04-18T01:16:06Z 2007-04-18T01:16:06Z some nice days and nights.<br />good people that treat me right.<br />this is all I can hope for in life. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:126799 2007-04-12T02:15:30Z 2007-04-12T02:15:30Z I had to face the semi-harsh reality that he will never stop this nonsense.<br />If I keep picking up he will continue to blow me off then proceed to not call me for a few weeks, maybe a month, then call me again as if no time had gone by at all and I should welcome him back with open arms. <br />Well it's not going to happen.<br />I'm not answering if he calls.<br />And I don't care to be made a fool of ever again.<br />He lost out. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:126679 2007-04-05T07:42:48Z 2007-04-05T07:42:48Z in chaotic times like these... I'm sometimes the happiest. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:126009 2007-03-27T20:08:32Z 2007-03-27T20:08:32Z "The more stubborn you are now, the greater your dilemma. If you put all your energy toward holding on to an indefensible position, no matter how convincing your arguments are, your problems will magnify. If, on the other hand, you can remain flexible without sacrificing your integrity, then everything will fall into place."<br /><br />Best advice ever for today. I swear to god, the stars know me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:125938 2007-03-26T04:04:23Z 2007-03-26T04:04:23Z Still no phone call... but this break is giving me an opportunity to think about a lot of things.<br />I am happy that I have girlfriends to hang out with during the break.<br />I hope that my few days off from work and school will be fun and relaxing.<br />Tomorrow after work I plan on giving mel a call, showering, washing clothes, putting up my new shower curtain, and chilling out. I am so happy that I found another Taurus friend. She is awesome and fun to be around. Very down to earth. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:125442 2007-03-25T16:19:53Z 2007-03-25T16:19:53Z Ok.<br />Well....<br />I know this may sounds stupid, but maybe this will be a nice time to relax in my life. Being single is better than some people make it out to be.<br />You don't have to give a shit about whether you are looking "good" enough, or whether you are annoying somebody else.<br />When I'm single I just don't give a fuck.<br />And those days when I don't give a fuck are beginning again. SWEET! Haha urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:125313 2007-03-23T02:41:48Z 2007-03-23T02:41:48Z fuck.<br />Why do I even try?<br />I am always most attracted to the people that will never want me back. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:125147 2007-03-19T03:52:38Z 2007-03-19T03:52:38Z peace march today. I wasn't going to go but my roommate and I changed our minds last minute. <br />After I met up with dan and walked with him to get a steak. He cooked the steak and it was delicious. He laid down and then got back up. I said I had to go study.. so he kissed me and hugged me. then they asked me to smoke... so I stayed for that. But before I left I jumped to kiss him while he was laying on the top bunk.........................I like him. A hell of a lot.<br /><br />Both of my finals are tomorrow. I hope I do alright. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:124739 2007-03-13T04:04:40Z 2007-03-13T04:04:40Z he told me that he loved me in his sleep<br />he told me that I cheered him up<br />he said that I was fun<br />I care about him and can't stop myself from seeing him.<br />His sadness and anger make me feel at home. I feel like that is the one thing we have in common. The negativity and self consciousness.<br />I kissed him more than ever before. He took me to his place and held me through the night.<br />I love it when he laughs and I can always get him to look me in the eye.<br />uhhhhhhhh. I am so happy. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:wrestlejaguars:124549 2007-03-07T22:02:49Z 2007-03-07T22:02:49Z funny thing is...<br />he called me the next day.<br />and I've been seeing a lot of him. <br />School has been kicking my ass but I've resolved to start kicking its ass. If that makes sense.<br />I paid enough so I can hopefully register even though I need to pay a lot more before the end of the term. My roommate won't stop sleeping so I can't make any noise. Fuck that.<br />She wouldn't leave when dan and I came into the room. But I was happy just to go outside and pull him on his skateboard while we were on our way to smoking a blunt on a hike then going to chipotle stoned and eating lots of food in a sloppy way while he took out his piranha. Then going in my room and cuddling was nice. He likes to sleep and I tickle him because I can't when there is a body so close to mine. It annoys him but I can't help but touch him.